Amid much gnashing of teeth, Utah Gov. Gary R. Herbert addressed members of the press corps to discuss his reaction to the Supreme Court’s historic 5-4 decision which legalized same-sex marriages across America.

“I’m no bigot. You know me—I love the sinner but unceasingly despise the sin,” the state’s disheveled top executive began. “But this is just wrong and weird and we all know it. They’re MEN!” the governor screamed, holding a photo of actor Neil Patrick Harris and his husband David Burtka. “He’s a man and this one, he’s a man, too! They can’t get married! Gross!” Gov. Herbert then declared, “two women can’t have a baby, that’s impossible” and frequently reassured those in attendance that he has “many gay friends.”

Neighbors of the Governor’s Mansion at 603 E South Temple noticed smoke early in the morning. Several witnesses said Herbert burned his Will & Grace DVDs, bicycle shorts, anything pink, purple and “queer, feminine colors”—all while screaming like a little baby governor. “The rainbow was GOD’s promise not to flood the world again —now it’s ruined. RUINED!” the most powerful man in Utah was heard to wail.

At press time, Herbert was said to have called up the Utah National Guard for the purpose of shutting down brunch, Express For Men stores, screenings of “Magic Mike XXL,” and “all that other gay stuff.” before falling to the ground and holding his breath in an extended, fifteen-minute tantrum.