06:05 pm
17 February 2018

Utah Gov. Gary Herbert Completely Flips Shit After Gay Marriage Ruling

Utah Gov. Gary Herbert Completely Flips Shit After Gay Marriage Ruling

Amid much gnashing of teeth, Utah Gov. Gary R. Herbert addressed members of the press corps to discuss his reaction to the Supreme Court’s historic 5-4 decision which legalized same-sex marriages across America.

“I’m no bigot. You know me—I love the sinner but unceasingly despise the sin,” the state’s disheveled top executive began. “But this is just wrong and weird and we all know it. They’re MEN!” the governor screamed, holding a photo of actor Neil Patrick Harris and his husband David Burtka. “He’s a man and this one, he’s a man, too! They can’t get married! Gross!” Gov. Herbert then declared, “two women can’t have a baby, that’s impossible” and frequently reassured those in attendance that he has “many gay friends.”

Neighbors of the Governor’s Mansion at 603 E South Temple noticed smoke early in the morning. Several witnesses said Herbert burned his Will & Grace DVDs, bicycle shorts, anything pink, purple and “queer, feminine colors”—all while screaming like a little baby governor. “The rainbow was GOD’s promise not to flood the world again —now it’s ruined. RUINED!” the most powerful man in Utah was heard to wail.

At press time, Herbert was said to have called up the Utah National Guard for the purpose of shutting down brunch, Express For Men stores, screenings of “Magic Mike XXL,” and “all that other gay stuff.” before falling to the ground and holding his breath in an extended, fifteen-minute tantrum.


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  • Was this supposed to be funny? It’s ridiculous. Many will say it is sat tire but it’s nothing more than another attempt of proclaiming someone ignorant, intolerant and hateful because their opinion isn’t your own. Isn’t that what gay activists were trying to change? We all have the freedom of speech, unless you’re a Republican who thinks the government should butt out of marriage all together. You’re particularly evil if you are irritated that the SCOTUS over-ruled the will of the people in your particular state. Finally, if you are basing your opinion in religion or faith you truly should be labeled as a hater! I’ve had ENOUGH of this nonsense.

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