09:48 pm
17 October 2017

Local Man Not So Much Patriotic, Just Enjoys Watching Cool Shit Explode

Local Man Not So Much Patriotic, Just Enjoys Watching Cool Shit Explode

Taylorsville resident Terrence Meyers admits he’s not exactly bouncing on Uncle Sam’s knee or brimming with enthusiasm for the red, white, and blue.

“Yeah, America’s cool,” Meyers said. “I was born here, I’ll probably die here. And we’re the greatest nation on Earth, for sure.”

“But if I’m honest,” Meyers continued, “I just really like the 4th of July because I get to watch a lot of cool shit explode.”

Like so many folks before him, Meyers made the rounds to Evanston, Wyoming to purchase his own arsenal of cool exploding shit, including firecrackers, artillery cannons and shells, bottle rockets, and more. Despite swearing that he was being tailed by a highway patrolman, he says he made it across the state border without any trouble with the law.

“I got a new artillery shell, called the ‘Whammo!’, that I’m really excited to set off. I just love watching cool shit explode, especially when it’s really loud. My kids love it too, so it’s just a part of being a good dad,” Meyers said, as he looked out his window to see his kids shooting Roman candles at each other.

“Plus, it’s also fun to launch bottle rockets into hornets’ nests and see them go berserk,” he added.

Meyers notes that because there will be so much ruckus going on to give cover, he can get away with even more during this special time of year.

“I’m excited to set off some mashed up Piccolo Petes — I once blew up an entire mailbox with one!” he said. “And, quite possibly, I’ll blow a crater into the ground with a pipe bomb I’ve been working on for months. I’ll insist the kids watch inside the house for that one, I assure you.”

At press time, neighborhood dogs were already showing severe signs of distress due to loud salvos coming from all around the block; Meyers indicated that he would be launching his explosives well beyond the holiday and at all hours of the night.

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