10:33 am
20 September 2017

Fun And Inspiring Youth Speaker Actually A Total Wreck

Fun And Inspiring Youth Speaker Actually A Total Wreck

Utah youth speaker megastar Brad Blythe, famous for his delightful, funny, and spiritually motivating speeches to the youth of the Mormon Church, is reportedly in fact a total wreck.

Numerous anecdotal reports have surfaced that indicate Blythe, underneath the impassioned gospel-wielding veneer, is just an utter and complete mess.

“I got to the fireside early because I’ve heard so many great things about him,” said Chelsea Wilson, Mia Maid secretary in the Bountiful 3rd Ward. “Then I must have taken a wrong turn in the building because suddenly I saw him sitting in an office sobbing, head in his hands, just bawling.”

Others signed up for Blythe’s classes at the Especially For Youth summer programs at BYU because they had heard so many great things about his faith-affirming orations, in which he alternates between making his listeners double over in laughter and making them tear up with deep testimonial-building burnings-of-the-bosom. Yet what some of these students found was evidence of trouble in Celestial Paradise.

“I was walking through the parking lot, and saw [Blythe] in his car yelling into his cell phone, screaming profanities,” said one of Blythe’s institute students, Keldon Christensen. “After slamming the phone down, he proceeded to pop some pills in his mouth before repeatedly punching the steering wheel.”

The hapless basket case with a knack for relaying trotted-out homilies in frenetic fashion has also been observed to doze off mid-lesson in non-narcoleptic fashion. “He was up at the pulpit talking about the glory and spiritual courage of the Army of Helaman then suddenly collapsed on the floor and starting snoring,” said one fireside attendee, Liz Bakerman. “Then, just as fast, he was back up on his feet, spastically proclaiming that we too could be warriors for the Lord in this latter day.”

At press time, the revered speaker, noted for his ability to rally the youth of the final dispensation, was observed to have trace amounts of white powder under his nose as he humorously related and imitated dialogue between the Book of Mormon characters Lehi and Sariah at a local High School devotional.

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