05:55 pm
17 February 2018

Festive Post-Mormon Celebrants Cutely Usher In ‘Pie-N-Beer Day’

Festive Post-Mormon Celebrants Cutely Usher In ‘Pie-N-Beer Day’

Throngs of festive post-Mormon celebrants took some sweet secular time to usher in the cutely malapropistic ‘Pie-N-Beer Day.’

“Just gonna tip back a few brewskis,” said slack-rope enthusiast Ranier Williams, “‘cause, you know, I drink. Alcohol. Now. Which is completely fine to do. A lot of people tell me I have lingering Mormon guilt, but I’m free. Totes ex-mo. Want to know which cobbler goes best with a double IPA?”

The sacralized celebration’s popularity has accelerated each year; many bemoaned the fact that the 24th fell sadly on a non-Twilight-Thursday this year.

“Craft beer is an integral part of my identity. To know me is to know home-brewed hops,” said social media specialist Ricky Orson Boutelle. “I got so thoroughly hammered that I couldn’t even muster the wherewithal to brush my teeth before bed! I know, right?”

“Porter Rockwell is my hero. He was pretty badass,” continued Boutelle. “I’m pretty sure he and Brigham owned distilleries, so really, Pie-N-Beer Day is just an extension of my pioneer heritage.”

The tattooed populace’s modern travails won’t be the handcart variety, but will certainly involve the removal of egg-based pies from their faces, tank-tops, and dense, formerly groomed beards.