Continuing a pattern of unpredictability, the LDS Church has reached out to Hollywood in an attempt to bring a star-studded cast to the podium. For the 185th Semiannual General Conference, they have secured Christopher Walken to give the closing benediction.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said one Church representative who helped finalize the details to bring Walken to the Conference Center. “There are some who struggle to sit through the conference sessions, so the idea is we entice believers to sit through it all by advertising a celebrity who will close the session. We closed the deal on Walken for today; this spring, we hope to get Liam Neeson and Patrick Stewart up there.”
Details surrounding the benediction have not been fully disclosed. While some have speculated that it will be pre-written by Church officials, the rumor is that Walken will be speaking off-the-cuff.
“He might, oh I don’t know, allude to humility, ask for the Lord’s help in blessing the meek, perhaps a faith-affirming anecdote about the trials of carrying a watch under duress, maybe suggest the talks have been edifying and then appeal to He Who Reigns Above that all Conference goers may travel safely back to their homes,” said one insider in the Conference Center. “He’ll be given themes, but it’s my understanding that Walken will be given the liberty to exercise his acting abilities as well. But we must stress that his fans will not be allowed to bring cowbells of any size into the Conference Center.”