06:02 pm
17 February 2018

LDS Faithful Relieved That Prophets, Seers, Revelators Didn’t Actually Prophesy Anything

LDS Faithful Relieved That Prophets, Seers, Revelators Didn’t Actually Prophesy Anything

With the world so clearly and obviously on a horrendously evil trajectory of destruction, many faithful LDS church members expressed they felt some anxiety heading into this year’s General Conference.

“I just wonder if this is finally going to be the Conference where one of the Prophets actually like…tells us something prophetic,” said Carl Humphries of the Bountiful 2303rd ward. “But I sure hope not.”

Studies indicate that, generally, people who have been members of the church for five years or longer report relief and comfort that the prophets, “basically repeat the same stuff every time.”

However, members of fewer than three years report some dissatisfaction with “basically nothing that prophetic ever really being said,” citing that they thought maybe 15 direct conduits to the Creator of All could, “tell us something exciting once and awhile.”

66-year-old Bud Shivers, reportedly baptized 2 years ago, hoped for clearer direction on “all-a-this end-a world shit that’s been goin’ down.” When pressed for what he meant by that, Shivers reported that he joined under the basic assumption that the world was “going to hell in a ham [sic] basket,” and that it might be, “helpful to have a few God-damned fellers who actually spoke face-to-face with Jesus be able to tell me which vaccines’ll give me the autisms, and how best to hide my guns from Obamas.”

Studies also indicate, however, that a crucial shift has occurred in new members between years four and five, where endless harping about pornography, and quaint stories about, “choosing to be faithful” somehow become “what I look forward to every six months,” rather than any sort of prophesying.

“I’m always expecially [sic] excited about what the brethren might say on porn,” said Humphries. “It is always nice to really get a feel for how bad my addiction is, based upon how many minutes they spend talking about it.” He went on to say that this year, his, “once or twice a month porn addiction” felt like maybe it was more along the lines of “serious,” rather than “crippling.”

“I feel like that may reduce the number of hours I spend weeping in shame on the bathroom floor with the shower on, so my family can’t hear my sobs,” said Humphries. “This is going to be a better year.”

5-year-long member Trudith McDillory summed up the way many members have come to view Conference. “A year or so ago, I realized that prophets, seers, and revelators really aren’t meant to do any of those things. They are just supposed to remind us about things we have chosen to know about and have faith in, in case we find any evidence to the contrary between conferences.” She further clarified her point by explaining that members of the KKK wouldn’t expect their Grand Wizards to actually be wizards. “That would be absurd,” observed McDillory. “This is pretty much the same.”

In a Conference exit poll earlier this afternoon, 89% of respondents reported being. “excited to see what non-new things the three new apostles will bring to the table,” with 97% of males “very curious about their angles on pornography.”