01:50 pm
23 April 2017

Pres. Monson Agrees To Quorum Sponsorship With Pac 12 Conference

Pres. Monson Agrees To Quorum Sponsorship With Pac 12 Conference

University of Utah graduate and current president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Thomas S. Monson, led the charge toward an unprecedented partnership between the LDS Church and the Pac 12 conference, of which the Utes are a recent addition.

“How oft we recall the words of the poet,“Who am I, sir, A Utah Man am I! A Utah Man, sir, Will be ’til I die.” How blessed are we to join forces against the evils of today,” said Pres. Monson.

“The buzz surrounded the Quorum of 12 Apostles after we filled three worldwide vacancies from a local pool, so we felt there’d be no better time to expand our outreach mission. In today’s day and age, it’s best to be creative–this partnership is due to serve both sides’ interests very well,” said Michael Otterson, managing director of Public Affairs for the church.

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir set things off early, by singing a holy rendition of the University of Utah’s fight song, “Utah Man.” The choir, led by BYU-grad Scott Barrick, wore red dresses and red ties for the performance. “We pitched the idea to ESPN–they loved it–and will add it to their College GameDay preparations since they are in town as the nationally ranked Utes (5) host California (23),” said Otterson.

The financial details of the deal have been withheld thus far, but a rent-and-tax-free storefront in City Creek Center Mall is a rumored centerpiece to the deal. “We’re used to not [overtly] paying athletes, so paying neither rent nor taxes was a big draw from our standpoint,” said Erik Hardenbergh, Pac 12’s Vice President of Public Affairs. “The church has shown a startling ability to increase revenue with reduced overhead. We’ll be taking notes on their goings-on forthwith.”

Variations of the Pac 12 logo will be used next to speakers’ names in General Conference addresses by those in the Quorum. “It’s like Twitter’s verified checkmark–you’ll know it’s an Apostle by both the Holy Ghost and the new logo next to their name,” said a positively beaming Otterson.

“Seriously, what’s the alternative for the Quorum? To be Independent? Who in their right mind would wish for such a status? said Pres. Monson.

*UPDATE* Rumors from trustworthy sources anticipate that the church’s next advertising partnership will be with the company Under Armor for what we are told are “obvious reasons.”

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