Across the state today, there are reports of at least a dozen-and-a-half LDS members who experienced some measure of cognitive dissonance during scripture study this morning.
Sources indicate that reconciling a Holy Ghost-guided journey that initiated the raping, pillaging, and genocide of millions of native peoples in the Americas caused some to “feel weird.” At least one handful of others reported, “not getting how that works, but dealing with it, because all the other Christians are even more wrong.”
“If the Lamanites didn’t wanna get [genocided], they maybe shouldn’t have turned away from the Lord,” said Josh Ernick, future computer programmer from Stevens-Henager College. “But my, how they are blessed today, and coming back in droves. What a tender mercy from the Lord.”
While nearly a baker’s dozen throughout Utah Valley experienced a very real crisis of faith, wondering how a murderous rape-fiend could have in any way been ‘wrought upon’ by any ‘spirit’ other than one of the purest psychopathy and narcissism, others sought comfort in [il]logical reasoning.
“Sometimes, the Lord just works in mysterious ways,” said BYU freshmen Jennica Broadbent. “Who am I to criticize or question Hemly [sic] Father for maybe letting a sorta bad thing happen, but so that the gospel could grow?” She further explained that without Columbus, there wouldn’t have been an America, and without America, there couldn’t have been a Restoration. “It’s just neat to see how a kinda bad thing can turn around, and be a totally good thing.”
By press time, at least four church members around the state finally discovered that the gosh-damn liquor stores were closed for the holiday, noting that they will “probably always forget.”