02:08 pm
25 February 2017

LDS Church Clarifies Stance On Same-Sex Childhood Apostasy

LDS Church Clarifies Stance On Same-Sex Childhood Apostasy

SALT LAKE CITY – Mormon leaders spoke out this morning in an effort to explain controversial new policies, revealed last night through social media.

“Families are the essence of the church,” says LDS spokesperson Emily Bennett. “They stand at the heart of everything we know about Heavenly Father. And the essence of family is the strict adherence to the beautiful genetic lottery that can only exist between one man and one woman.”

Mormons who enter into same-gender marriages, and their complicit children, will face newly heightened disciplinary measures, according to documents leaked last night.

Bennett continues, “The important thing to remember here is that we’re talking about families here. REAL families, not whatever patchwork creations of love and support people are cobbling together in the dark of night.”

The new policies include participation in same-sex marriages as part of the definition of actionable apostasy. The leaked handbook also outlines ways in which children of these marriages are to be denied church blessings.

“The wonderful truth of our church is that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. And in this case, that plan involves wielding the children of same-sex marriages as a pressure point to attempt to dislodge and shatter these marriages and families.”

When asked about the interchangeable use of “same-sex” and “same-gender” in describing LGBT marriages, Bennett says the usage is deliberate.

“We don’t condone the spiritual and linguistic fallacy of separating the terms. Also, to be clear, gender isn’t an expression of biological sex, and gender isn’t a spectrum. It’s a pronoun; he or she.”