01:43 pm
23 April 2017

Three-Year-Old Christian Gives Zero Shits About Syrian Refugees

Three-Year-Old Christian Gives Zero Shits About Syrian Refugees

RIVERTON, UT—Citing disappointment in their three-year-old’s attitude of utter indifference to the plight of Syrian refugees, the parents of Todd Finster have lost all faith in the child.

“I never dreamed that a three-year-old could be so irrational,” said Brent Finster. “You’d think that a human being with the capacity for abstract thought could grasp the simple difference between a refugee fleeing terror and an actual terrorist. But Todd doesn’t even seem to try to get it, let alone give any shits whatsoever.”

When shown photos of miserable, suffering refugee children, the little pile of human garbage could hardly be bothered to quit whining about his empty juice box. “NO MUSLIMS! GIMME JUICE! MORE JUICE” wailed Todd, while his parents looked on in helpless dismay.

Sarah Finster explained her tireless, futile efforts to appeal to the shitty little monster’s Christian values in attempts to get the little cretin to give even one damn about people who’ve been directly displaced because of the US legacy of constantly destabilizing the whole goddamned Middle East.

“He doesn’t care. I ask what he thinks Jesus would do, and the hideous little doom-fiend just flails around the room throwing a tantrum, screaming about wars on Christianity, and about what he wants for Christmas.”

While Todd seems to be a particularly calloused hypocrite, others in the area report similar attitudes of absolute selfishness, irrational fear, self-preservation, and xenophobia amongst many three- to five-year-olds.

“I can’t believe how many ignorant, bigoted three-year-olds actually think Islam is the problem,” said area atheist Rick Shriver. “Try explaining to these little terrors the concept of poverty, oppression, and Western meddling as the root causes of radical Islam, and you might as well repeatedly slam your forehead into the pavement, for all the good it does. Can these assholes even critically think?”

At press time, Todd had reportedly resorted to burying his head in the sandbox out back to keep himself safe from the threats of terrorism, conscience, and rational thought.

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