05:58 pm
17 February 2018

White Utahns Can’t Fathom Why Black People Don’t Act More Like White People

White Utahns Can’t Fathom Why Black People Don’t Act More Like White People
Just be like us and you'll be fine, say white people.

In light of tensions that have swept the country this year between police officers and black people, a recent study finds many white Utah residents are still struggling to understand why “[they] just can’t start acting more like white people already.”

“It just seems like black people could [sic] care less about being successful sometimes,” said celestially white Provo resident Maylynn Sorensen, 19, who just began classes at Westminster College this semester. “Instead of just being all hecka ghetto all the time, maybe they should ask their parents to pay for some college, like normal white people.”

When asked what they thought about the many videos documenting police brutality to surface this year, such as the video of a white Texas officer seeming to use excessive force against black teens when breaking up a pool party back in the summer, many white Provo residents expressed confusion as to why they were “swimming illegally” in the first place.

“Like I could just waltz into the King Henry pool anytime I want to and swim without getting the cops called,” said absolutely white BYU student Tammy Jensen. “Think you can just go cock-tubbing (the colloquial term for the common Provo practice of 10-1 male to female hot tub ratios) at the Riviera if you don’t even live there? Who do these gang bangers think they are? I’ve personally been very politely asked to leave plenty of hot tubs, and you never see me rioting like a flipping animal.”

The study found that one of the only instances where white people expect black people to act more like black people than white people was on the football field. “Seriously–I swear to gosh that if Tanner Mangum doesn’t play more like a black person at the Las Vegas Bowl, I’m going to riot like a black person,” stated unmistakably white BYU student Clark Benson.

With regard to rioting and protesting, many white Utah county residents expressed similar confusion about the propensity for black people to not act more like white people when opposing injustice (i.e. inconveniences).

“It just confuses me like all-get-out, how come more colored [sic] people don’t just pretty much have nothing worth protesting over, like us white people,” said Jace Kendal, a 23-year-old recently returned stark-white missionary from Lehi. “If they worried about things more like us white people do, they would sure as heck probably riot a butt-load less.”

When polled regarding the reality of systemic racial inequality within the criminal justice system and the power structures of our nation, 87% of white people agreed that there is bias and discrimination against people of color, to some extent. When asked to choose from various solutions to the problem, white Utahn’s overwhelmingly chose “[they should] do fewer black people things/move somewhere nicer,” with only 3% choosing “maybe use some of my own goddamned white privilege to make a fucking difference, for once in my charmed motherfucking life.”