After losing faith in God nearly a year ago, it was only a matter of time before eight-year-old Timmy Conklin figured out the truth about Santa.
“I think I’ve been walking around willfully blind for a while now,” the devastated child reported. “I mean, if the idea of an all-powerful being listening to a zillion prayers [of people who aren’t poors] all at once is absurd, I don’t know how anyone thinks Santa could possibly visit everywhere [that isn’t poor] in the world in one night.”
Timmy’s parents Roger and LeAnna explained how their son’s faith in God began to crumble around his seventh birthday. “Early on, we suspected this was coming,” Mrs. Conklin said. “At five, he was already calling bullshit on all the pasty-white blonde Middle Eastern people in the animated scripture cartoons. By seven, he was mocking us for ‘believing in a white sky-wizard who can find car keys with ease, but can’t feed one god-damned starving black kid ever.’”
Roger described the moment when Timmy finally put two and two together and realized that if God were an outrageous farce, then so too, probably, was Santa. “He had just finished watching The Santa Clause featuring Tim Allen. He just kept shaking his head, muttering ‘Impossible. Literally none of this is possible.’ It was painful to watch his faith in the true Father of Christmas crumbling. We never dreamed he would abandon his faith like this. It makes Christmas such a drag,” Mr. Conklin said, visibly depressed. “This has really shaken my own faith in Christmas.”
“Look,” said the eight-year-old atheist, “If archaeologists can’t find any traces of horses and cureloms and cumoms in the Americas, they sure as shit aren’t going to find any evidence of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. People need to grow up. It was bad enough thinking God would eventually be watching me masturbate, whenever I figure out how that works. But Santa literally seeing me when I’m sleeping, and knowing when I’m awake? Impossible. And thank Go…—science, for that.”
When pressed about where he thought all the presents labeled ‘From: Santa’ came from, Timmy rolled his eyes.
“Seriously? People can label anything however they want. Cured of a sickness? Thanks, Jesus! Got that job you applied for? High-five, Heavenly Father! Some action figure I just so happened to mention to my dad I liked appears below the holiday tree with a Santa tag on it? Cut the shit, Roger. I can critically think.”
At press time, Timmy was refusing to even pretend to enjoy opening even one more door on the Christmas countdown calendar, although he reportedly choked down the shitty chocolate hidden inside.