02:49 pm
25 July 2017

Pres. Nelson: “Apostate David Bowie Headed To The Telestial Kingdom”

Pres. Nelson: “Apostate David Bowie Headed To The Telestial Kingdom”
Controlling Major Tom

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints clarified its stance and will make no changes with regard to the late David Bowie, that he would henceforth be labeled an “apostate” and would not be baptized after his death.

Pres. Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said Monday morning to a gathering of so-called “millennials,” “[The Brethren] considered countless permutations and combinations of possible scenarios that could arise following Mr. Bowie’s death.” But then Pres. Thomas S. Monson declared “the mind of the Lord and the will of the Lord. David Bowie, the wild eyed boy from freecloud with a lady grinning soul, will spend eternity in the Telestial Kingdom.”

Ziggy Stardust—who never mentioned Kolob in a single song over his career—will move station to station to the lowest kingdom of glory, according to Pres. Monson’s revelation, which Pres. Nelson explained was the result of “a sacred process.”

The man who sold the world knew that he could buy anything in this world with money, and consequently, he, the starman, will be hunkered down in the glory of the stars, the Telestial Kingdom,” said Pres. Nelson to the youth in attendance, who he said were “sent to Earth during the most compelling dispensation in the history of this world, and not because you all graced the earth the same time as the Thin White Duke, but rather to because you can help prepare the people of this world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and his millennial reign.”

“You may not always understand every declaration of a living prophet,” he added. “But when you know a prophet is a prophet, you can approach the Lord in humility and faith and ask for your own witness about whatever his prophet has proclaimed.The somber reality is that there are ‘servants of Satan’ embedded throughout society, including and especially someone with the willingness to be called Jareth the Goblin King,” he said. “So be very careful about whose counsel you follow.”

Pres. Nelson continued, “Isn’t fame a sort of rock ‘n’ roll suicide, so to speak? Watch that man, the cracked actor floundering in his own moonage daydream—these rock stars might be heroes, but just for one day. Ashes to ashes with them all.”

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