Utah’s desired GOP nominee, Sen. Ted ‘the Zodiac Killer’ Cruz, nearly found himself in hot water when the National Enquirer released a story purporting evidence that he cheaTED on his wife with as many as five women.
Most Utahn Cruz supporters were left unworried, however. “We’ve loved covered-up sex scandals since at least the mid-1800s,” said Heather Grant, an optometrist from Taylorsville. “We hear names like Fanny Alger, but God works in mysterious ways sometimes,” she said.
Indeed, from Brigham Young’s grandson Hooper’s concupiscible exuberance, to Elder Albert Harrington maintaining status as an apostle despite multiple affairs, to Elder George P Lee of the 1st Quorum of the 70’s molestation of a 12 year old girl, to the numerous sexual scandals by bishops and higher leadership, even to the late Elder Richard G Scott’s claims that sexual abuse victims share a level of responsibility for their abuse, Latter-day Saints in Utah have a long history of looking the other way when it comes to covered-up sex scandals.
The news on Cruz’s alleged affairs confused and disgusTED many throughout the nation, since, if true, it would appear that at least 6 separate women admitTED to having potentially consensual sex with the man whose alleged salacious life is that which his rhetoric condemns.
“Sen. Cruz said that Donald Trump was a rat, but claims he has no desire to copulate with him. Well, he cheaTED in Iowa and he cheaTED on his wife” said Ben Carson, unprovoked. “So he definitely wants to copulate with the Donald, as do I.”
It’s yet to be seen whether the two frontrunners for the GOP nomination will hold a debate on whose mistresses were better; meanwhile, Gov. Kasich is holding rallies in Wisconsin, explaining to dozens about how his father, a postman, was an admirable man.
Sen. Cruz, flustered and possibly humiliaTED, denied all the claims wordlessly, shaking his head so that his neck jowl danced like disturbed Jello.