12:05 am
26 April 2017

Gov. Herbert Signs Bill Forcing Doctors To Ask A Fetus If They Prefer Breastfed Milk Or Formula

Gov. Herbert Signs Bill Forcing Doctors To Ask A Fetus If They Prefer Breastfed Milk Or Formula

Gov. Gary Herbert just signed a law that will require doctors to ignore best medical practice and ask a fetus whether they prefer breastfed milk or formula. This appears to be the second step—after mandating that women be given unnecessary anesthesia for abortions—in what is sure to be a litany of anti-choice laws to hit the Utah books.

Doctors will have to wait till they are answered by either a verbal confirmation or, the more likely scenario, the choice of the mother after giving birth. “This guarantees the choice of the mother on the matter, all sides will certainly agree on this issue. This is the pro-est of pro-choice, right? Firstly, though, we want to seek the opinions of the unborn children of Utah for consideration on the matter,” Gov. Herbert said, adding that he is, “proud of the unborn,” which are a literally brainless constituency.

Although reviews of medical evidence thoroughly debunk the idea that fetuses can actually respond to questions—fetuses don’t fully develop proper neurological structures until around 29 to 30 weeks in the third trimester—doctors are now forced to regress into law-mandated inquisitions about the choice between breastfed milk and formula.

Physicians are obliged, according to the bill, to “stare at the belly button, speak into it like a microphone, and listen closely for any acquiescence to one of the choices at hand.” This Charades charade is to be instituted immediately while all doctors asking how this is to be done or regulated are being told—surprisingly aptly—to go with their gut instinct.

In preparation for next year’s legislative session, Sen. Bramble is looking to go further, adding an amendment which would force physicians to ask the fetus whether they’d like a 100% natural tub birth or an epidural. Meanwhile, Sen. Weiler—whose disheveled hair rides the thin line between ‘on purpose’ or ‘being flustered’—is asking for fetuses from interracial couples to answer as to which side they fought for in the War in Heaven.

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