09:32 am
24 June 2017

LDS Church Endorses Ted Cruz, Citing “Historic Dildo Policy”

LDS Church Endorses Ted Cruz, Citing “Historic Dildo Policy”

SALT LAKE CITY—In a historic move on Friday—not heretofore seen in this dispensation—the LDS church officially endorsed a Presidential candidate.

The official statement released by the office of the First Presidency declared Texas Sen. Ted Cruz (R) to be the one candidate in the field “truly willing to fight the most critical moral battle of our time.”

The endorsement appears to be in response to recent media coverage of a 76-page, 2007 briefing written by then Texas solicitor general Cruz, urging the 5th Circuit to uphold a ban on dildos, artificial vaginas, and other soul-fouling tools of carnal pleasure.

“At a time when society’s moral compass is askew, and the noble sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father are in peril of being jerked off course by acts of the vilest self-pollution, one man stands willing to hold to the rod and fight the pernicious evils of masturbation,” began the statement. “That warrior is Sen. Ted Cruz.”

D. Toddford Johnson, a prominent member The Draper-Sandy Republican Bishop Caucus, expressed elation that members of his group had “voted right” during the March 22 caucus elections.

“We all met before the caucus, as we usually do, and supplicated our Lord Heavenly Father for guidance on this matter,” said Johnson. “It was amazing—in the middle of the prayer, we felt a collective stirring, from our loins to our bosoms. The spirit confirmed to us that we’d find something really special in Ted. And by golly we did—our own anti-masturbatory crusader elect.”

Johnson further explained that popular personal-copulation devices such as the so-called “fleshlight,” were becoming really problematic; the trend of time spent in church offices by leaders watching broken, guilt-riddled grown men sobbing in withered crumpled heaps increased by nearly 400% over the decade.

“Masturbation confession eats up about 85% of our time,” Johnson claimed. “I thank my Father in Heaven nightly that Mormon women don’t masturbate. I mean I’m glad [Ted] called for the banning dildos out of principle but just mostly grateful that our wives and daughters don’t actually need sexual pleasure.”

The official endorsement ended imploring members of the faith to give monetary support to the campaign.

“Ted Cruz has tirelessly fought to end individual pleasure of the flesh. Never before has Lucifer—the Son of the Morning, that first and most infinite masturbator—had a tighter grip on the loins of the Sons of Adam and the Daughters of Eve. We beg of each member [who has already paid his or her tithes] to donate to the campaign of the one man who truly understands the ruinous nature of carefully crafted silicon and rubber.”

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