Noting that the Neon Trees—Provo’s Mormon-rich musical sensation—”[hadn’t] really done all that much [for us]” since 2014, LDS leaders were thrilled with the solo release “Trash” from gay-but-definitely-celibate frontman Tyler Glenn.
“Finally—our leading gay rockstar who couldn’t be a happier and proud Mormon, will once again demonstrate that it’s “righteous ta’ [sic] be righteous,” said coolest Apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf late Tuesday afternoon. “During a time when we’re hemorrhaging youth like an airplane with a pierced fuel tank, we need all the very gay and cool Mormon rockstars we can get.”
“It’s great Brother Glenn has finally broken what appears to be a covenant of silence amongst the Neon Trees, and released an exciting, albeit baffling little production,” said Uchtdorf.
Elders David A. Bednar and D. Todd Christofferson described their confusion about the meaning and symbolism, both visually and lyrically, in the new single. “I’d like to consider this as a sign and token of his progression as a musician,” said Bednar, “but I find myself bewildered by some of the artistic choices.”
“Even though I’m sort of like, one of the ‘young ones,’ some of the probably cool and edgier references escape me, I think,” said Bednar. “Maybe D. Todd knows since he has a gay brother and whatnot.”
“I don’t know what the deal is with that elevator scene—he appears to be shivering and warming his hands,” offered Christofferson. “He seems to be distressed, but I can not for the life of me imagine what for.”
“At first, we thought the poster on the wall with the enigmatic white face harked back to the Phantom of the Opera, or perhaps the Misfits—but we can’t be sure,” said Uchtdorf. “Perhaps an eventual helping hand will part the veil of our ignorance, and someone will pull us through to a greater paradise of understanding.”
When asked what they thought Glenn was referring to by “one man’s trash,” the three brethren intoned all at once, as if on cue, “porn.”
“That’s the one clear part of the entire thing—surely the great, pernicious evil of pornography is the trash treasured by so many who comprehend not the pain and horror of what it will feel like when their loving Father in Heaven must consign them to hell, or whatever,” said a solemn Bednar, as Elders Uchtdorf and Christofferson nodded in agreement.
“All in all, we are not sure exactly what his end goal is, but we know he will go down on the moral side of history.”
When questioned if Church leaders would consider reaching out to Glenn in an effort to better understand the deep significance of the video, Elder Uchtdorf said, “If only he’d divulge some of the symbolism! We’d swear an oath and covenant to not reveal the significance to just any ole’ uninitiated Joe!”
“In fact, I believe some of the brethren have already drafted a very special letter with regard to this video, which we’ll send him soon!”
Uchtdorf continued, “whatever the cryptic X on his face means, I wish to be very clear —I think that Brother Glenn would be pleased to know that the first time I watched his remarkable, historic video, this old patriarch gripped his sweet wife’s apron, the nearest thing available, to wipe away the tears rolling down his cheeks. I’m so happy he finally appears to have found himself [as a musician].”
“Our humble opinion—this video is indeed a sure sign of Tyler Glenn NAILING IT.”