04:06 pm
28 May 2017

Report: “Binge-watching” Enables Faster Transition Into Irrelevancy

Report: “Binge-watching” Enables Faster Transition Into Irrelevancy

LOS GATOS, CA:  Netflix, Inc. publicly released the results of an internal report today, revealing that massive consumption of television programs in short periods of time can help ease twenty-somethings into their eventual state of total societal irrelevancy.

It’s called “Binge-watching,” and it is a term that came to prominence this time in summer 2013 alongside the metamucilic dump of 15 episodes of the once-cherished series, Arrested Development.  According to the report released today, this form of binge-watching not only consumes the time spent watching the content, but up to 150% more time on top of that either blathering about the show on the internet, or consuming the blather of other internet binge-watchers.

Studies show that those who give in to binge-watching behavior on a semi-weekly basis show up to 64% less bitterness at the opportunities they give up.  Not only that, over 15% of study participants weren’t aware that life’s fleeting moments of passion and beauty were passing them by.

A new tactMedia analyst Maya Divartinni says this is good news for aging millenials.  “Typically we have seen the post-college ‘twenty-something’ years as a period of self-discovery and adventure.  Now we’re finding that having the anesthetized version of this period in life experienced through fictional characters on TV programs better prepares young adults for the formless globules they’ll become as they enter their thirties.”

“Frankly,” Divartinni added, “it’s an exciting time to be a TV-addicted, worthless piece of shit.”

But there are some who imagine consequences for this new brand of thumb-up-ass living.  Brynn Forrestor, area theorist, theorizes that time wasted on TV binge-watching could be better badly-spent.

“You go to the theater, and the D-boxes are practically empty.  3D-Glasses are piled up in the corners, and the ancient Street Fighter 2 machine in the lobby arcade is all but untouched.  People are too involved in Orange is the New Black or Narcos to give any thought to Cinemark’s shit-bag offerings.  It just makes you wonder where we’re headed, you know?”

Still, Netflix has reason to maintain a positive outlook.  As internet-connected televisions and broadband penetration increase their stranglehold on attention spans, the inescapable draw of infinite entertainment is poised to crush the soul of the nation with ever increasing efficiency.

Game of Thrones airs Sundays 9/8C on HBO, and is available for instant streaming on HBO Go and HBO Now.

If you know these faces, it's already too late

If you know these faces, it’s already too late

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