Listen up, America. Things are going great for me. I mean, who could have predicted that a grizzled Breitbart executive like me would find his way into the highest echelons of this nation’s government? If you had told me even a year ago I would be President Trump’s top consigliere and be sitting with generals on the National Security Council, I would have laughed at you, just as I laugh at the picture of Hillary Clinton on my wall everyday.
But even though things are going great, the media — the real opposition party — and many of this nation’s populace, just can’t seem to relax and sit still. I keep hearing questions like, “what influence is Bannon having on Trump,” and “are they trying to destroy our government,” or “why does he look like a vagabond pulled off the street.” People just won’t stop talking and asking questions.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: everyone needs to keep their mouths shut and just listen to Matchbox 20 for a while.
I know that when I’ve had a hard day, all I have to do is put on the multi-platinum ‘Yourself or Someone Like You’ and let the iconic band’s plethora of hit singles wash over me. After that, things just seem to feel better. The group’s talent for making savvy alt-rock jingles that stick in your head is unparalleled, in my opinion. I mean, who can’t relate to the tune ‘Push’ and the themes of loneliness and ambivalence therein? Or the experiences of shame and redemption that are interwoven in ‘Back 2 Good’? I know I have a cold, menacing exterior, but even I feel something when Rob Thomas is crooning those lines.
Plus, it’s important to have fun! While I’m busy in here dismantling the establishment and pulling the rug out from under what is most sacred and necessary to sustain our successful democracy, you should be kicking back, enjoying a drink with your friends while listening to Thomas’ Grammy Award winning collaboration with Santana, “Smooth”. God, what a song, am I right? It’s a hot one! What I’m trying to say is that you should all know your place and be doing this instead of caring about things that are none of your business, like what you’re government is doing, or how is the current administration deteriorating relations with previously allied nations, etc.
I could go on and on. The bottom line is that things are happening beyond your control, so just get used to it. I mean, I know the histrionic media is trying to make this out to be like it’s 3am and raining on American public discourse, as they are wont to do. But if you’re feeling, as Rob Thomas expressed in the band’s 2003 hit track, “Unwell” about everything, and you’re feeling this way while (and probably because of) not listening to Matchbox 20, well, then I don’t know what to tell you. Give Trump your heart, and do it for it real, or else you can just forget about it.