SALT LAKE CITY — The Utah State Legislature unveiled a compromise to update and revise the so-called “Zion Curtain” law on Wednesday, putting an end to weeks of speculation as to what form the final bill would take.  The long awaited overhaul, bill HB443-A “Alcohol and Sedition Act of 2017,” originally anticipated to remove the cumbersome requirement for a visible barrier between seated dining areas and alcohol preparation stations, instead has added new provisos for both restaurant-owners and dining patrons alike.

In the immediate vicinity around the Zion Curtain, there is to be established a 10 foot buffer zone known as the “Zion Moat,” in which minor children are not to be seen, heard, or spoken of.  Around the perimeter of the “Zion Moat,” will be a semi-permeable membrane dubbed the “Washington Wall” that will allow certain clientele to pass through if their heart is judged clean, and their motives pure.  Those who don’t return will be deemed to have paid the “Zion Price.”

As the new bill removes all exceptions and grandfather clauses that had previously reduced the strain that the frivolity of the capital’s deluded and empowered was capable of inflicting, local restaurateurs have already began setting up local co-ops and other support measures to accommodate the new bill.  While mass pre-negotiated murder-suicide pacts between alcohol vendors and restaurant owners are something of a throwback to the days of Sen. Chris Buttars’ reign of the Utah Senate, House Majority Leader Brad Wilson seems poised to Make Utah Great Again.