06:09 pm
17 February 2018

Monson Eschews Prophetic Duties To Cheer On Apostate Facebook Drama

Monson Eschews Prophetic Duties To Cheer On Apostate Facebook Drama

LDS Church Pres. Thomas S. Monson has decreased his day-to-day involvement in leadership meetings of the 16-million member church, and while many speculate this is a result of his advancing age, some church insiders point to the 89-year-old’s new passion as the reason for his recent “less active” status.

“Bless his heart, President just can’t stop refreshing his Facebook feed,” said a close personal friend of Monson (since he was a boy) who wishes to remain anonymous. “He just can’t get enough of all those folks tearing themselves to shreds on social media.”

The drama began over the weekend when popular Bloggernacle podcaster Dr. Kristy Money wrote a Facebook post accusing ex-Mormon lightning rod Dr. John Dehlin Ph.D. of financial opaqueness. In recent years Dehlin’s Open Stories Foundation has been an online tentpole of sorts for many of the LDS church’s disaffected members.

So when Dr. Money dropped dimes on Dehlin’s alleged dirty dollar dealings every ex-mo online picked a side and waded into the fray. Since then Monson hasn’t left his apartment and seems to have no appetite for propheting, seering, or even revelating.

“Oh goodie, my stories are on again,” said a visibly giddy Monson as he sat down with a large mug of Postum. “The feminists are really putting [Dehlin’s] feet to the fire!”

Many of the church’s top brass have credited the recent social media donnybrook for buoying Monson’s spirits. “It seems to have added years to his life,” said Pres. Russell M. Nelson, president of the church’s Quorum of the Twelve and next up in the prophetic batting order. “I am just thrilled that President has found a reason to get up in the morning as he advances in years. Bully for him.”