04:42 pm
19 February 2018

Holland and Uchtdorf Satiate in First Session, No More Talks Needed

Holland and Uchtdorf Satiate in First Session, No More Talks Needed

Thousands of relieved General Conference viewers are calling the weekend “as good as done” after Elders Holland and Uchtdorf finished their respective talks in the first session of the 187th Semiannual General Conference.

“That stud Elder Holland quoted Tolstoy, which in-and-of-itself will be better than anything else proffered this half-year, so I’m already planning on a run to Brick Oven,” said Springville resident Robert Jensen. “And Uchtdorf already spoke before that, so I’m just grabbing my car keys right now.”

Supermarkets and shopping outlets, usually empty for 6 hours every General Conference Saturday, are preparing for an onslaught of satiated church members.

“Holland is freaking awesome. I seriously want to invite him over sometime for a BBQ, wouldn’t that be sweet?” said closely shorn, tanned, and visibly ripped Provo marketing professional Darrell Kimball. “I was going to watch Priesthood [Session] with my pops, but I’m gonna just chill instead.”

Like a bitter cherry to top off the Saturday Morning Session sundae, omnigrouch Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, “It is essential that we reject anything that does not conform to our standards” and all reasonable humans muted the sound and uttered “gosh dang it” under whispered breaths then starting to binge-watch Project Runway. And as HVAC installer Ernest Bennett observed, “there goes my trip to Tijuana.” A few stalwart Oakites, however, are purging their DVRs of Game of Thrones episodes with pharisaical speed.