SALT LAKE CITY – It was a gruesome scene at the 2nd Annual South Salt Lake Trunk or Treat Tuesday afternoon as a typographical mistake on the advertising for the event led to tragedy. It was a collision between parents seeking a safe space for the candy-ransoming kids, and the alcohol-fueled misadventures of Salt Lake Community College’s student body, and this time, it’s the kids who were caught in the middle.
Amidst the trunks of store-bought candy bars, and lovingly crafted ghost-lollies, unwitting children bobbed for vodka-hydrogenated apples in tubs of dry gin, imbibed brandy-spiked hot wassail, and partook of the requisite jello-shots in fun, halloween-themed shapes.
Perhaps the most disturbing detail is that, in wry, tragic twist, thirteen wide-eyed youngsters received full-size Snickers with razor blades, sculpted from Everclear-saturated sugar crystals, deftly insert into the candied bars. The Snickers masterminds are being held for questioning; the wassailants are still at large.
Outraged semi-attentive parents are demanding answers to how this could have happened, but authorities are still sorting out the details.
“Yeah, I thought it was kinda cool when I saw the flyer for a Drunk or Treat,” said Rhett Tanner, event atendee and sophomore at SLCC. “I mean, I never heard of it or nothing but I never heard of Pie ‘n Beer day either, and there’s a state parade for that one.”
When asked what he thought when parents started sending kids to his trunk, Rhett said, “I didn’t think much of it. Before he froze that winter in Montana, it was one of my stepdads Duncan that taught me how to make Hallowine out in the smoke shed, and I was only 11.”
“A child is the ideal functional alcoholic.”
Volunteer paramedic Mike Stoffner on the scene gave an explanation as to how the children could have remained upright long enough for this to become so gruesome.
“You see, your basic child’s like a hummingbird when it comes to metabolism, y’see. Almost as soon as they eat or drink somethin’ it’s already broke down into energy, used up, and they’re ready for more. Setting aside moral, developmental and religious considerations, a child is the ideal functional alcoholic. Biologically speaking.”
We’ll have further updates as they develop.