In His image created He Him

The highly-anticipated and prophesied GODSMOS series debuted its first episode and quickly replaced “how” with “wow” in the minds of millions of adherents.

Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty narrated the GODSMOS episode from a gold-plated marble throne, gesticulating confidently as he laid out the facts of the multiple creation stories offered in Genesis.

“The best way to look forward is in the rearview mirror,” said the bearded God-bard, “right back in that there account of creation. Simple and plain. I’m made in God’s image, and He ain’t no goddamned monkey.”

Robertson laid out the foundation of knowledge and the futility of future discovery, “Thanks to generations of searchers strictly adhering to simple book of rules, a few touchstones have followed: test ideas by prayer and subjection; build on those ideas and create impassable tests; reject unfaithful ideas; follow evidence when it’s convenient; question nothing. Accept these terms, and the GODSMOS is yours.”

A highlight of the GODSMOS episode was a colorful GODSMIC calendar, truncated to a week to show the seven days it took to create all that is, was, or ever will be. The first day’s bleak, chaotic, volcanic creation segued through the natural order until it capped off with His finest creation on the sixth day: humans. Male and Female created He them.

The GODSMOS series will be finished after 6,000 seconds of on-air time, or 100 minutes worth of episodes, as we were told that is all that’s needed to consider the marvelous works of God.