04/20/14: Salt Lake City — One month after the passing of HB 105–popularly called “Charlee’s Law”–legalized the utilization of marijuana extracts to treat seizure disorders, neurologists are reporting an almost 75 percent increase in their patients being “most gnarly wrecked” and an almost complete reduction in the amount of “harshed mellowage” throughout the state.

According to Dr. Paxton B. Grandsmeyer of University of Utah Hospital, minimally invasive therapeutic techniques seem to further compound the calming effects of the new medicine. “Our team of researchers has noted a substantial increase in the efficacy of the treatment when combined with the hours-long rambling A-scales of Phish, with even further value seeming to be added when the aforementioned is combined with a healthy dose of east coast trust funds and microwaved pizza bagels,” the esteemed physician was reported as saying.