ARIES (March 21st – April 19th) Aries, present an empty Coca-Cola can at the Lagoon amusement park before twelve noon and receive a two-for-one single day pass ($47.95 + tax). One can is valid for up to six people. Offer not valid on Saturdays or with any other offer. Offer expires on August 24, 2014.

TAURUS (April 20th – May 20th) Taurus, for a tasty summer treat, add orange juice to any sparkling beverage.

GEMINI (May 21st – June 21st) Your duplicity truly shines through this week, Gemini, as your soul will be literally torn in half by warring demons in another plane of existence.

CANCER (June 22nd – July 22nd) Take a break, Cancer. You’ve earned it! But perhaps consider taking a break inside? We admire your crusade against the bourgeois elite, but seriously. You’ve been in that tree for four days.

LEO (July 23rd – August 22nd) As mercury falls into retrograde, stay away from water this week, Leo; you’ll have an extremely high chance of drowning. Feel free to carry this horoscope around with you to explain should your friends or co-workers complain about your odor.

VIRGO (August 23rd – September 22nd) Virgo, it appears your human overlords have not yet realized you are not, in fact, equipped to cut julienne fries.

LIBRA (September 23rd – October 22nd) You look good today, Libra. Did you change your hair? No really, it looks great. I mean it! Anyway… be prepared for prophetic nightmares of horror and loss this week.

SCORPIO (October 23rd – November 21st) Scorpio, get in touch with your sensitive side this week by watching the first five minutes of Up on repeat for a few hours. That should help you to be less of an emotionless prick.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22nd – December 21st) Uranus is rising in the east, Sagittarius, which naturally brings us to the classic song “Breathe (2 AM)” by Anna Nalick. Yeah, life is like an hourglass glued to the table. Consider investing in a citrus-based adhesive remover.

CAPRICORN (December 22nd – January 19th) Consider taking up running as a hobby, Capricorn, as it could come in handy one night this week when you’re alone and it’s dark.

AQUARIUS (January 20th – February 18th) Things are looking swell this week, Aquarius! Oh, sorry, that was a typo. Things are looking ‘swollen.’ Whoops.

PISCES (February 19th – March 20th) You’ve made some wise business decisions this week, Pisces. Deciding to bring on extremely attractive and witty new hires to your publication this spring will prove to be invaluable. Horoscopes add a mysterious and interesting flair to Chinese fast food place mats and news outlets alike. To all other Pisces, you’ll be fine. It’s whatever.