Kelsey Olsen, a CTR in the Payson 10th Ward, is not getting such a nice surprise this spring. A church court is popping right before her eyes.
Olsen is being threatened with excommunication on allegations of apostasy for “openly, repeatedly and deliberately acting in public opposition to the church and its leaders.” The questioning little heathen reportedly challenged her Priesthood-less auxiliary leaders by refusing to join the choreographed hand motions of the beloved Primary hit, “Popcorn Popping.”
“The song says it wasn’t really so, but it seemed to be,” said Olsen, “I just felt like I was telling a fib with my hands.”
LDS Church spokeswoman Bonnie Pratt emphasizes the growing need for early apostasy intervention. “In this internet age, we are being forced to sniff out activist members determined to change doctrine to comply with their personal beliefs. In this war, no battle or person is too small. Olsen should have thought about that before luring her classmates into darkness.”
At the time of this report, the Mormon church’s recent efforts are being received with open arms and deep conviction by millennials.
I, for one, am glad church leaders are finally growing a pair. The church has been too humble and long suffering towards these child apostates. After all, nits make lice.
This is child torture. You people should be in jail. I had to deal with garbage like you as a child. It left me frightened and devastated. Some of you even stating that you are glad the church grew balls? Talking about your genitalia while referring to a serious lige threatening matter with a child. I was abused and molested by garbage like LDS. Never again. You people suck!
you realize this is a joke right!!1
No joke!!!1
Think about the song that harbors wanted bunnies in the middle of the woods? Just how happy could that possibly be?
Really? Is this even true? Or is it as fake as the LDS church and it’s book is?
YOU PEOPLE SUCK! I AM TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE ONE OF YOU!
This whole website is satire… just letting you know.
Hilarious and poignant! Great job!
They have no authority to do anything, as prophecied in Daniel chapter 12 the man clothed in linen would scatter the power (priesthood) of all the holy people in the last days. I (the second witness or apostle of the Father was commanded to sever all te ordinances of all the mortal beings on the earth because of there apostasy on July 15th 2013. It has already been done. These people have no authority to act in the name of God. They have all lost it. Daniel 12. D and C 89 and 112. Also they lost the higher priesthood already d and C 124
No this is not real. This is just some intolerant person pushing their own agenda. This has been made because of articles that have come out recently about a couple of people who are facing excommunication because they are speaking out against sacred core values of the LDS church.
Yeah!
Core values like women being barefoot and pregnant, not having the audacity to think of themselves as equals!
LDS church is a fraud. Do you research on church history. This child being excommicated will save her life. I’m an ex Mormon so I know the truth. Do you?
The truth is that you’re a miserable asshole.
Holy Crap people! First – this is freaking hilarious! And Second – everyone of you that 1) thinks this is a real thing and/or 2) uses it to beat on the church, bellow your own personal anti agendas or basically does anything but laugh and appreciate a well timed, hilarious and clean joke ARE ALL MORONS!! Get a life and stop taking yourselves and everything else so seriously – sheesh!
Amen
My Goodness, what a storm in a teacup, (or is that against the w.O.w…….? ) The question is, DID Joseph have a FIRST VISION in the Sacred Grove ? Is the Book of Mormon another or second witness that Jesus is the Christ ? Why does everyone expect President Monson to be Perfect ? Why wasn’t Joseph Perfect ? Were any of the Old Testaments Prophets Perfect ? Not so, according to Paul, there was and will be forever more, ONLY ONE who was and IS Perfect, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Paul never existed. He is as contrived as Adam and Eve. Only thing is, he doesn’t even made a good fake analogy. When the Catholics created the Paul character story, all they did was confuse who Christ was with who they wanted him to be.
Everybody settle down. It’s satire, you arrogant dolts. Your comments are almost as funny as the article – in a sort of sadly ironic way. When you judgemental hypocrites say your prayers tonight maybe ask God for a sense of humor.
Here’s the real reason the kids were excommunicated for looking out the window:
Pingback: Sunday in Outer Blogness: Excommunication!!!!!!1! » Main Street Plaza
I always knew this was in the stars.
The whole site is Bullshit.
Everyone that is wondering if the story may be true should be excommunicated.
You should talk to your bishop about that language, potty mouth.
True. I should probably start attending a little first.
Fuck that, first round’s on me
Pingback: “Spring Has Sprung,” Says Man Who Is Dying Inside - Beehive Bugle
Nip that shit in the bud!!!