W.W. Felch

Hola brothers and sisters of the bud. As you can imagine your old pal W. W. gets some pretty weird mail from time to time. But ganJAMES15@ldsmail.net had a really cool request that has kept me busy this past week. He wanted to know if there were certain strains that paired well with books in the Book of Mormon. I had never thought of it before, but as soon as I realized that my research would entail me smoking a lot of weed and reading a lot of scriptures I jumped at the chance!

So I texted my conneck and asked for the 12 Apostles, which is his signature sensi sampler. The next morning I had a dozen cute little sacks all laid out like a little chorus line. I had mentioned the nature of my research and my guy suggested supplementing my order with some Adderall. If you are going to smoke & scripture you need to stay awake.

So with some Addy in my system I picked out a few choice smoking apparati and got to work. I don’t want to bore you with all of the details of my research methodology, so let’s just jump ahead and discuss my findings:

“Don’t bogart that horn Moroni!”

1st Nephi: When starting the BOM you want a strain that will uplift and inspire. After some trial and error I stumbled upon SharksBreath, an indica-dominant hybrid that has a fruity smell and a sweet taste. Like Nephi, SB was born of goodly parents (Great White Shark and Lamb’s Bread). A few puffs and I felt my stiffneckedness just fade away, and pretty soon I was sailing to my own New World. Pro Tip: Avoid Strawberry Kush when reading Lehi’s Dream. Things just get too great and spacious, and pretty soon you are grasping for the iron rod in the mists of darkness.

2nd Nephi: Getting through all of that Isaiah can be tough so you need a strain that will wake you up. G13 Haze seemed to do the trick; smelling of coffee and kicking like a god damn mule. I found myself cross-referencing and bible dictionarying like a motherfucker, and before I knew it I was in Jacob. Pro Tip: Maybe lay off the Adderall when on G13 Haze.

Omni and Words of Mormon: I feel like these short books are the most postmodern of all the BOM. Timelines are jumbled up, a new narrator is introduced, whole new concurrent civilizations are revealed—its like Tarantino and J.J. Abrams got together, smoked a shit ton of hash, and wrote some scriptures. So I wanted a strain that would expand my creative capacity. Silverback Gorilla was the ticket. By the time they found Coriantumr, last of the Jaredites, I was so blissed out I thought I had been translated. Pro Tip: Silverback is particularly tasty when smoked Eve Style (out of an apple).

Alma: Wars, rumors of wars, and lots of preaching to the Lamanites. Let’s face it folks, Alma can be a beast to slog through. I found that it wasn’t so much about the strain I was using but the method of intake. Alma is when you want to have a high quality vaporizer at the ready. So I ground up a mix of two or three strains, packed up my sticks, and enjoyed a vape on Ensign Peak while I read about Ammon hacking limbs in the Land of Ishmael. Good Times! Pro Tip: Take your time with Alma…there is a lot of great stuff in there. High or not, I felt my testimony of God’s love increase as I read it.

“I never said rolling this joint would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.”

3rd Nephi: Let’s face it folks, Third Nephi is the best of all the Nephis. It has everything you want plus Jesus, so it only seemed right to pair this book with some Jesus OG. That’s right, our Lord and Savior has his own strain. It’s a very strong indica so its not for the noobs; you know, milk before meat my brothers and sisters. I spent the early hours before dawn listening to the audio version of the first 10 chapters on my headphones while I constructed a cross joint on the roof of my apartment building. As the darkness descended upon the people of Zarahemla I sacrificed Jesus on my cross. I breathed deeply of Christ’s love as His voice came to the survivors in the darkness. And just as the sun peaked out from behind the everlasting hills He revealed himself to the saints of the New World. For the briefest of moments, as the rays of the morning son touched my roof, I was one of those surviving Nephites witnessing the resurrected Son of God in all his glory. It was a fleeting glimpse into man’s relationship with the divine, and I wept. But then I thought I heard a cop car pull up so I ditched the joint and got the fuck off the roof. Pro Tip: Jesus OG can make you a little paranoid, so use with discretion.

I had grand plans to continue my research, but frankly, once you have seen the resurrected Christ how are going to top that? Also, I accidentally smoked up all my research weed while watching a Granite Flats marathon on BYUtv.

I hope I have inspired you to experiment upon my word. I leave you with this thought from chapter 32 of Alma, verse 33:

And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginneth to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good.

Find some good seeds my friends.