W.W. Felch

Howdy fellow MormEnts, it’s your smokin’ buddy Double Dubs with another crop report. Perhaps crop report is the wrong phrase here, as today I will be spelunking the depths of the dab.

I know many of you have not yet entered The Dabbernacle, so I figured I would try it out and return and report of my labors. Consider me your John the Dabbtist, forging ahead and clearing a path in the wilderness.

Dabbing is what the kids call the process of intaking Butane Hash Oil or BHO. And while righteous folks have been extracting THC from the green stuff since Noah was a baby this process is fairly new.

BHO is usually sold by the gram, which can be weird for those of us that were raised in the Eighth Faith. Which reminds me of something…the other day I was teaching my Sunbeams class and our lesson was on Going the Extra Mile. I started thinking about it and it made me wonder, does that lesson look a little different for Mormons in countries that use the metric system? Do they convert it to 1.6 kilometers?

But I digress.

I understand that many of you have been hesitant to yabba dabba do, and I get that. You have your good old reliable weed and it is great, and then along comes a dude like me preaching a new gospel. It can leave one wondering which is the true faith.

It reminds me of the old story about James E. Talmage and the lamp salesman. You know the one- old J.E.T. lights up his lamp and then the salesman dude lights up his…you know, they had one of those old fashioned Lamp Offs that were popular back in the day. Remember what Jimmy said at the end:

“The man who would sell me a lamp did not disparage mine. He placed his greater light alongside my feebler flame, and I hasted to obtain the better.”

That’s all I am asking, please let me show you my kick ass lamp, while not disparaging yours. In fact, feel free to keep your lamp burning while I torch this sucker.

Which leads me to my one and only complaint about dabbing. It ain’t as simple as loading up a pipe and lighting it up. BHO needs to be vaporized. You could go all Old Testament and do a knife hit, but frankly that seems downright irreverent.

For the non-Philistine you will want to invest in a vape pen. I procured one which I promptly dubbed The Wise Virgin, cuz I always plan to keep it full of oil and ready for the bridegroom.

So what is the Dabtism like? Let’s just say that a Latter-day Saint hasn’t had visions like this since Kirtland. One long drag on my pen and I was forcefully dragged behind the veil. Once there I met old Father Abraham and, after a complicated series of fist bumps and high fives that proved my worthiness, he showed me the heavens in their order.

Trust me, this all make sense when you are anointed with oil.

When I finally came to my senses I found my scriptures were open and I was staring at Facsimile One. AND IT FINALLY ALL MADE SENSE! People will tell you that Joseph Smith took this common Egyptian funerary text and made up his own scriptures. In a non-dabbed state I can see why people think it is all bullshit. But I am here to tell you, it is fucking true! You just have to be dabbing to get it.

So make the investment brothers and sisters. Visions await you.