Hordes of cheapskate cowards–many of them rich and/or powerful–have caused a nationwide shortage of ice and water in order to go to any length to avoid giving charity money to the ALS Association.

Incredible!

Tycoons, magnates, and regular dumb Americans have risked momentarily-chilled lips in order to sidestep a donation to the foundation set up on behalf of those afflicted with what’s commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

From Kobe Bryant’s submersion in an ice bath, to Justin Bieber’s self-imposed wet t-shirt contest, this spectacle’s snowball continues to grow— and then enter into a mid-sized bucket full of water only to topple onto the heads of all those in Robin Leach’s rolodex. Bill Gates even took a respite from his consistently torrential philanthropic endeavors to construct an elaborate ice water-spilling mechanism that could only come from someone with such a surplus of time and money.

Donations weren’t the only thing the elite humanoids avoided: some of those with bulging bank accounts often donned caps to deflect much of the falling, presumptively cold water from upended buckets. We at the Bugle notice these particulars and call into question your cowardice, your soft-gloved awareness, your calculated “It’s sooo cold” reactions, and say “No thank you, can I not have another?”

Pres. Obama was invited by Justin Bieber to do the ice water challenge, and although the Commander in Chief has yet to accept, it appears he is more likely to dump water on himself than respond equitably to the tragedy in Ferguson, MO, where citizens are forced to pour milk on their faces to lessen the effect of the highly reactive chemical agents in the tear-gas canisters that the police are throwing at Americans in the United States of America in 2014.