Fear not, fellow Internet devotees! A lot of the articles you read today are merely April Fools jokes! You can tell they are because I commented underneath the mischievous pieces, stating they were so. I’m pretty perceptive with these things.

Guys! CERN confirmed the validity of Star Wars and The Force! Did you hear? Yeah, uh huh, I’m sure they did! Oh, and by the way, Tool’s music wouldn’t leak—those guys don’t even release stuff digitally! You don’t understand them, anyway. LDS Living’s 4-hour block and new curriculum? Pretty easy to discern, albeit semi-decently executed. I don’t think you guys needed me for that one. But seriously? Playstation Flow? Do people even play those? This isn’t the ’90s. What’s next, Netanyahu believes in a two-state solution?

My predilection for this unparalleled insight is finely-tuned. Trust me, I stay up late every March 31 in order to see what’s thrown at the more easterly time zones. It’s like watching game film—you’ve got to prepare! I consider myself a prescient joke-getter, a veritable Joe-Flacco-elite-QB of being In The Know. Big time, baby!

All of you are welcome. I’d hate for any of my friends to be left with egg on the face on this prankful day.

Almost forgot: Amazon Dash—I really don’t know, to be honest. I don’t tend to wash my clothes that often.

I’m out like Sufjan’s new jams,

—Brancef Willardsley (Westminster ’18)