Author Archives

Detlef Goethe Zern

Dante Exum Expected To Pan Out By 2027

Responding to rafts of continued criticism over the decision to keep a perpetually injured Dante Exum on board, Jazz management released a statement assuring that the once-highly touted 5th pick will eventually pan out as a reliable, contributing player and…

Primary Children Celebrate ‘Two Hours With Blocks’ Change To Church

Featured Posts | by Detlef Goethe Zern

Ecstatic primary children have splattered yogurt and spilled cheerios by applause as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced steps toward a “home-centered model” to reach members where they are; Sunday attendance has now been restructured to be…

Hipster Mormon Chomping At Bit To Do Prince’s Temple Work

Featured Posts | by Detlef Goethe Zern

Local progressive Mormon Kyle Rogers Nelson was saddened to hear legendary musician Prince passed on earlier today while Nelson was working at his startup company. Hoping to hear an angelic Revolution backing his revered hero in the afterlife, he decided…

MIRACLE! Savior Gulls Intervene in BYU-Michigan Game

Featured Posts | by Detlef Goethe Zern

After a hapless, scoreless showing in the lopsided 31-0 loss–and nary a Mangum miracle–at least another miracle familiar to the faithful (but shocking to Ann Arbor fans), was able to hit the field. Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh’s clearly urine-soaked khakis…

“Actually, Some of Our Best Players Are Colored,” Respond Orem Owlz

Featured Posts, Sports | by Detlef Goethe Zern

The Orem Owlz, Utah Valley’s minor league baseball team, has ran a’fowl’ of sensibility after its ‘Caucasian Heritage Night’ promotional event left folks across the nation ‘hootin’ and hollerin’. The Owlz ate crow after its excessively recessive event was canceled,…

Thomas S. Monson Hopes to Find New Helpmeet, Joins OKCupid

Featured Posts | by Detlef Goethe Zern

Thomas Spencer Monson, the prophet, seer, and revelator for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is once again dusting off his lapels and going on the prowl. “It is true, Mr. Monson is seeking another eternal companion, given…

“Dog Had It Coming:” SLC Cop and Novice Resident Evil Player Finally Exacts Revenge

Featured Posts | by Detlef Goethe Zern

As far as one SLC police officer was concerned, Geist, a local Weinanamer, was a t-virus infected marauding zombie beast that had to be destroyed. “I saw the dog making movement toward me, and I thought, I don’t have dog…