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G. Samuel Pitts

"Granddad always said 'don't be a bitch,' and that it was up to me to interpret just what that meant. I think life is pretty much like that—don't be a bitch—which can mean literally anything, or just one thing."

LDS Leaders Praise ‘Trash’ Video as “Sure Sign of Tyler Glenn Nailing It”

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Noting that the Neon Trees—Provo’s Mormon-rich musical sensation—”[hadn’t] really done all that much [for us]” since 2014, LDS leaders were thrilled with the solo release “Trash” from gay-but-definitely-celibate frontman Tyler Glenn. “Finally—our leading gay rockstar who couldn’t be a happier and…

LDS Church Endorses Ted Cruz, Citing “Historic Dildo Policy”

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

SALT LAKE CITY—In a historic move on Friday—not heretofore seen in this dispensation—the LDS church officially endorsed a Presidential candidate. The official statement released by the office of the First Presidency declared Texas Sen. Ted Cruz (R) to be the…

Area Child Devastated To Find Out Santa Not Real, Like God

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

After losing faith in God nearly a year ago, it was only a matter of time before eight-year-old Timmy Conklin figured out the truth about Santa. “I think I’ve been walking around willfully blind for a while now,” the devastated…

White Utahns Can’t Fathom Why Black People Don’t Act More Like White People

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

In light of tensions that have swept the country this year between police officers and black people, a recent study finds many white Utah residents are still struggling to understand why “[they] just can’t start acting more like white people…

Three-Year-Old Christian Gives Zero Shits About Syrian Refugees

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

RIVERTON, UT—Citing disappointment in their three-year-old’s attitude of utter indifference to the plight of Syrian refugees, the parents of Todd Finster have lost all faith in the child. “I never dreamed that a three-year-old could be so irrational,” said Brent…

Obama To SLC: “Sign Up For Insurance, I’ll Be Baptized In Your Golden Cattle Tub”

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

In an interesting twist to the challenge issued by the White House to 20 communities across the nation to enroll uninsured citizens in the healthcare marketplace, President Obama made a personalized promise to Salt Lake City. “Uh… look. Now, if…

Handfuls Of LDS Seek To Reconcile Genocidal Consequences Of BoM’s Spirit-Guided Explorations

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Across the state today, there are reports of at least a dozen-and-a-half LDS members who experienced some measure of cognitive dissonance during scripture study this morning. Sources indicate that reconciling a Holy Ghost-guided journey that initiated the raping, pillaging, and…

LDS Faithful Relieved That Prophets, Seers, Revelators Didn’t Actually Prophesy Anything

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

With the world so clearly and obviously on a horrendously evil trajectory of destruction, many faithful LDS church members expressed they felt some anxiety heading into this year’s General Conference. “I just wonder if this is finally going to be…