Author Archives

G. Samuel Pitts

"Granddad always said 'don't be a bitch,' and that it was up to me to interpret just what that meant. I think life is pretty much like that—don't be a bitch—which can mean literally anything, or just one thing."

LDS Church Stays With BSA, Renounces Other Potentially ‘Gay Stuff’ Instead

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

In a move that had many conservative LDS Utahns shaking their heads at the apparent lack of conviction of the Mormon hierarchy to “stand up to Big Gay [scouts],” the Church confirmed that it would remain affiliated with the BSA.…

LDS Church Releases Photo of Whiskey Tumbler Used By Brigham Young For Spiritual Guidance

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

In a move to further efforts at greater historical transparency, LDS leaders announced Monday morning that the public would finally have a long-awaited first glimpse at Brigham Young’s own whiskey tumbler. Rumored to be hewn from the wood of the…

“Justice Is Real—The System Is Finally Working!” Said White People

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

White people all over Utah rejoiced as white police officer Darren Wilson was not indicted by a mostly white grand jury in Ferguson, Missouri. “I’ve been on edge ever since that white cop defended himself against that unarmed, highly dangerous…

LDS Church Reportedly “Making It Rain” With Excommunications

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Amidst reports that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent notices of disciplinary council to local apostate favorites John Dehlin and Kate Kelly, the organization announced Thursday morning that “there are a whole lot more where that came…

Deacon’s Priapic Problems Fuel Desire For Female Ordination

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Local holder of the colloquially known “weak-sauce priesthood” Todd Trout thinks ordaining women is a “hecka cool” idea, according to an interview with the lanky 13 year old. When asked why at such a young age he was willing to…

Local Gay Mormon Reportedly “Ecstatic” About Conference Celibacy Encouragement

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Brother Kyler Brenn, a local gay Mormon homosexual, reportedly “can’t wait” for tonight’s Priesthood session, sources said. “I’m seriously ecstatic,” said the high school senior. “It’s always so fulfilling and empowering, to hear about how I don’t need to give…

Conference Fans Increasingly Worried that Conference is Almost Over Already

News | by G. Samuel Pitts

Salt Lake City- As this year’s historic, 184th Annual General Conference wears on, many members of the faith find themselves with an increasing sense of dread, as at some point, the twice yearly miracle must always end. “It’s like it…

Utah Servers Dismayed that Priesthood Television Broadcast May Ruin Lucrative & Fun Prospects for Twice Annual Ladies’ Night

Featured Posts, News | by G. Samuel Pitts

Twice every year, all Utah servers look forward to a special Saturday night when all of the men pile into local chapels to be scolded about pornography addiction. “I’ve just always loved the herds of women coming in with no men, throwing…