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Ripley Wainwright

Study: Alarming Number of Utah Teens too Distracted by Driving to Properly Text

Featured Posts, Latest News | by Ripley Wainwright

A University of Utah study has found that a startling number of Utah teens are too distracted by weaving through freeway traffic to properly send text messages to friends and family. “Most text messages teens send while hurtling down the…

Gay, Married BYU Administrator Adamantly Opposed to Beards

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

Lawrence Benson, a gay BYU administrator who has used his wife to provide cover for his homosexuality since the early 1970s, declared his adamant opposition to beards on Wednesday. “Beards do not belong here at BYU. They are a way…

Utah Shocks Nation by Electing Mormon Republican to Congress

Mormon Church Gives Approval for Medical Masturbation

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

In an unprecedented move, LDS Church leaders announced during the Saturday morning session of General Conference that they had given their approval to masturbation that serves a legitimate medical need. The policy sea change comes after years of pressure from…

Insecure Spotify User Goes Into Private Session Before Listening to Matchbox Twenty Song

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

Bradley Taylor, a reportedly insecure little bitch, recently switched to “private session” in Spotify before listening to “Push,” the 1996 Matchbox Twenty hit. Taylor, known for projecting all of his self-conscious and judgmental attitudes about music onto his Spotify…

Universe Announces God’s Contract Will Not Be Renewed Beyond 2013-2014 Season

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

After millennia of tactical missteps and strategic blunders, along with a particularly dismal 2013-2014 season in which Russia annexed Crimea, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 went missing, and extremist Republicans shut down the United States government, the Universe announced early Thursday that it…

Ordain Willem Movement Picks Up Steam

Area Mormons Can’t Wait to Sleep Through General Conference

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

As what happens with semiannual regularity, Mormons will gather this weekend in homes, chapels, and the Conference Center in Salt Lake City in order to hear from church authorities whom they consider to be divinely inspired. Jeffrey Todd, a local…