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03 May 2024

Featured Posts

Deacon’s Priapic Problems Fuel Desire For Female Ordination

Deacon’s Priapic Problems Fuel Desire For Female Ordination

Featured Posts | by G. Samuel Pitts

Local holder of the colloquially known “weak-sauce priesthood” Todd Trout thinks ordaining women is a “hecka cool” idea, according to an interview with the lanky 13 year old. When asked why at such a young age he was willing to…

Zion Curtains Decorated by Bountiful Hills 14th Ward Relief Society

Zion Curtains Decorated by Bountiful Hills 14th Ward Relief Society

Featured Posts | by Meriwether Clark

With wafts of hairspray aloft and gossip to boot, dozens of women from the Bountiful Hills 14th Ward this afternoon busily embroidered in an effort to make the Zion Curtains more Pinteresting. The lovably named Zion Curtain refers to the barriers…

Stop Pretending I Don’t Exist You Ungrateful Assholes!

Stop Pretending I Don’t Exist You Ungrateful Assholes!

Featured Posts, News | by The Great Salt Lake

Hey you bastards I see you! Just driving past me as if I’m not here, as if I don’t exist. Well, here I am asshats, and I want you to acknowledge me. Did people just suddenly forget that Utah named…

Is The Apostolic Selfy (sic) Proof That Good, Clean Fun Can Be Had On Twitter?

Is The Apostolic Selfy (sic) Proof That Good, Clean Fun Can Be Had On Twitter?

Featured Posts | by Timothy McFoster

And it came to post. To the delight of The Deseret News and faithful members of the #LDS church, Twitter accounts have been set up for each of the faith’s Twelve Apostles. The mostly octo- and septuagenarian leaders reportedly are going…

Stephen Hawking Warns That AI Will Breed A New Mechanoid Genghis Khan

Stephen Hawking Warns That AI Will Breed A New Mechanoid Genghis Khan

Featured Posts | by Delvin Henry

Theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking has issued a firm warning about a looming threat that he believes will become a reality in the wake of artificial intelligence. “Artificial intelligence opens a can of existential worms,” the renowned physicist said.…

Insecure Spotify User Goes Into Private Session Before Listening to Matchbox Twenty Song

Insecure Spotify User Goes Into Private Session Before Listening to Matchbox Twenty Song

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

Bradley Taylor, a reportedly insecure little bitch, recently switched to “private session” in Spotify before listening to “Push,” the 1996 Matchbox Twenty hit. Taylor, known for projecting all of his self-conscious and judgmental attitudes about music onto his Spotify…

Clippers Owner Refuses to Pay His Black Players: “I Don’t Recognize Them as Even Existing.”

Clippers Owner Refuses to Pay His Black Players: “I Don’t Recognize Them as Even Existing.”

Featured Posts | by Timothy McFoster

Donald Sterling, owner of the Lob City-notwithstanding perennial laughingstock Los Angeles Clippers, has declared owner sovereignty principles, and has said he will not pay his black basketball players because, “I don’t recognizing them as even existing.” The Clippers are in…

Universe Announces God’s Contract Will Not Be Renewed Beyond 2013-2014 Season

Universe Announces God’s Contract Will Not Be Renewed Beyond 2013-2014 Season

Featured Posts, News | by Ripley Wainwright

After millennia of tactical missteps and strategic blunders, along with a particularly dismal 2013-2014 season in which Russia annexed Crimea, Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 went missing, and extremist Republicans shut down the United States government, the Universe announced early Thursday that it…

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