News

New West Valley Police Chief: We Will Try to Stop Shooting Unarmed Innocents

Featured Posts, News, Politics | by Monston Chalmers

WEST VALLEY CITY, UT — Newly appointed Police Chief Lee Russo gave his first press conference last night and made it clear that a new day is dawning for the beleaguered West Valley City Police Department. “I have a vision…

Twelve Years Later, Americans Still Remember How 9/11 Tragically Delayed Movie Releases

LDS Church Ecstatic after SLC Comic Con Brings Spirit of Celibacy to Thousands

News | by Russ Stewart

SALT LAKE CITY, UT– Leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were thrilled Monday to learn that their years of emphasizing social sexlessness had finally paid off. SLC Comic Con 2013 brought a record-breaking 80,000 devoted celibates…

Payson’s “Golden Onion Days” To Be Renamed “Blue Meth Days”

News | by Russ Stewart

PAYSON, UT– Payson residents were excited this week after a surprise announcement detailing upcoming changes to the town’s annual festival. After the parade on Monday, Mayor Rick Moore revealed that this year’s Golden Onion Days would be the last celebration…

BREAKING: People Who Listen to Depeche Mode Are Also Listening to Blur

Obama Cites High Emotions During Game of Risk; Scales Back Syria Missile Strike Threats

News, Politics, Sports | by Timothy McFoster

In a stunning reversal, a flabbergasted President Obama scaled back threats of military strikes against Syria. Obama claims he wouldn’t have been so vigilant on attacking the Middle East — both the geopolitical region and the RISK territory — if…

Vodka Samm Hopes to Achieve .342 BAC at BYU-Utah Game

Featured Posts, News, Sports | by Tommy Cox

According to sources, Samantha Goudie aka Vodka Samm will be coming to Provo later this month. After getting arrested at the recent Iowa-Northern Illinois football game for charging the field severely intoxicated (BAC level .341), she realized the rivalry game…

Court: Miss Riverton Way Too Pretty to be Accountable for Actions

News, Opinion, Politics | by Meriwether Clark

Echoing dismayed cries and internet comments around the state, the courts have ruled that Kendra Gill is just a silly girl and therefore cannot be held accountable for endangering the lives and limbs of others when she threw bottle bombs…