Dear Heavenly Parents: Please Make It All Stop
Dear Heavenly Parents: are you just hearing, or are you listening? Please make it all stop. As quickly, as miraculously as possible. We asked years ago. What else are we supposed to do? Ask?
Primary Children Celebrate ‘Two Hours With Blocks’ Change To Church
Ecstatic primary children have splattered yogurt and spilled cheerios by applause as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced steps toward a “home-centered model” to reach members where they are; Sunday attendance has now been restructured to be…
Unopened Envelope Ushers in Schrödehlin’s Cat Paradox
A living man is placed across from Temple Square along with an unopened envelope, a camera, a vial of testimony, and a very small amount of radioactive Reddit posts. If even a single upvote of the Reddit post resonates during…
The LDS Church Issues New Name Guidelines, Appends ‘is True’ to Book of Mormon in All Uses
SALT LAKE CITY — Pres. Russell M. Nelson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued the following statement Thursday afternoon regarding the name of the restored Church of Jesus Christ’s scripture: “The Lord has impressed upon my…
Utah Lawmakers Propose Every Teacher Be Chuck Norris To Prevent School Shootings
STATE CAPITOL — In the wake of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida where a disturbed gunman killed 17 victims, the debate over guns has once again reignited in a nation afflicted with frequent mass shootings. Amidst…
Drunk or Treat – Unfortunate Typo Creates Parking Lot Chaos
SALT LAKE CITY – It was a gruesome scene at the 2nd Annual South Salt Lake Trunk or Treat Tuesday afternoon as a typographical mistake on the advertising for the event led to tragedy. It was a collision between parents…
Holland and Uchtdorf Satiate in First Session, No More Talks Needed
Thousands of relieved General Conference viewers are calling the weekend “as good as done” after Elders Holland and Uchtdorf finished their respective talks in the first session of the 187th Semiannual General Conference. “That stud Elder Holland quoted Tolstoy, which…
Monson Eschews Prophetic Duties To Cheer On Apostate Facebook Drama
LDS Church Pres. Thomas S. Monson has decreased his day-to-day involvement in leadership meetings of the 16-million member church, and while many speculate this is a result of his advancing age, some church insiders point to the 89-year-old’s new passion…
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