The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Erstwhile Entrepreneur Superdell Schanze Orders a Carryout Pepperoni Pizza

West Jordan — It’s been confirmed by various sources that Santa Claus, international purveyor of joy, has once again shortchanged Arthur Jarvis, despite another year of being a good kid, while also once again lavishing his rich, dickwad neighbor, Austin…

Chick-Fil-A Changes Name to Chick-Phil-A to Honor Duck Dynasty Media Martyr

Politics | by Timothy McFoster

Chicken sandwich empire Chick-Fil-A has announced a major name change to Chick-Phil-A, to honor the now unemployed Duck Dynasty millionaire Phil Robertson, who made comments equating logic with penis placement. “It’s a homonym, but not a homo-nym,” said Chick-Phil-A chief…

American Fork East 17th Ward Offers Hand to ‘Opt-In’ Porn Petition

Politics | by Timothy McFoster

American Fork’s East 17th Ward’s excitement erupted on Monday afternoon, as word of an online petition spread like wildfire or scattered seed all over the Face book feeds of the congregation’s members. “I knew I had to take a firm…

Silly Goofball Thanks Jaden Rather Than Joseph Smith In Prayer

News | by Timothy McFoster

Reports out of the Johnson household state that young Shad, avowed legomaniac, uttered “we thank thee for the Prophet Jaden Smith” rather than Joseph Smith during the Johnson’s diurnal 8:55pm prayer without any sort of snicker or self-acknowledged in-prayer correction…

Conference Fans Increasingly Worried that Conference is Almost Over Already

News | by G. Samuel Pitts

Salt Lake City- As this year’s historic, 184th Annual General Conference wears on, many members of the faith find themselves with an increasing sense of dread, as at some point, the twice yearly miracle must always end. “It’s like it…