Twice every year, all Utah servers look forward to a special Saturday night when all of the men pile into local chapels to be scolded about pornography addiction.
“I’ve just always loved the herds of women coming in with no men, throwing caution to the wind,” said Salt Lake City Bucca di Beppo server Tim Larsen. “They are always such a hoot. They get all hopped up on diet soda and order a bunch of salads. And at the end, they are always generous enough to tip at least 8-10%.”
Tim’s wistful look seemed to melt away. “But I think this whole broadcast thing is gonna really keep a lot of them in. Finally, for the first time ever, they can actually listen to men get yelled at about porn, and watch the men become pitiful weeping wrecks, instead of just seeing the after effects. This night is ruined.”
Local Relief Society President Nancy Miller was feeling really torn, when asked whether she would carry on with tradition, or catch the porn crackdown live.
“This decision is really hard. I just love getting a bunch of sisters together, and really letting my hair down. I usually drink 12 diet cokes with limes instead of the usual 7. But I don’t know. The thought of being able to pour a brick of diet coke down my gullet while watching my sons squirm uncomfortably on the couch when they talk about porn for most of two hours is really tempting,” snorted Nancy.
Despite the excitement and buzz surrounding the broadcasted man sesh, some servers held on to a glimmer of hope.
“I really think that for most women, the allure of infinity diet coke for under two dollars will still get them,” said Dave Wellons, a server at the Olive Garden. “I’ll still get to sell a bunch of endless soup and salad, and not have to worry about any alcohol sales, just like I’d hoped. It’s fun watching men break, but it isn’t like the Brethren will forget to talk about porn a bunch of times throughout the rest of it. The tradition will go on.”