Mona, UT – Vocal Mona resident Burt Wight, 57, reportedly said, “The time has come, and it is now,” as he cleaned his shotgun on his porch on early Wednesday. “Don’t you get it? With this government shutdown, I reckon there ain’t much left between us, Obama’s socialist healthcare being shoved down the throat of the few remaining free men, and full-on warfare in the streets of every goddamned settlement in America”
Mr. Wight inspected a small container of bullets then said, “And don’t even get me started on FEMA, shapeshifting reptilians, one and all.” Residents of the neighborhood report that in the week leading up to last Monday’s midnight deadline to pass legislation aimed at funding a variety of government programs, Wight could be seen purchasing large quantities of lumber, gasoline, ammunition, beef jerky and canned food.
“It was kind of weird, to be honest,” said local grocer Francene Coleman. “I mean, the extra business is great, and I’m just as much of a red-blooded Republican as the next person, but something about the way he kept referring to President Obama as ‘That One-Eyed Alien Skull Beast’ made even me a little uncomfortable. And, oh no, you didn’t ask him about FEMA, did you?”
“Only two things in this world are certain,” Mr. Wight told tight-lipped reporters, “The salvation Christ hath given us, and the certain death screaming out the barrel of my 12 Gauge Pump-Action Mossberg HD 500.”
Mr. Wight was last reported to be stationed in the doorway of his backyard bunker, busily laying out barbed wire and taunting what the rest of the town have described as “unseen, but apparently very lethal” CIA antagonists.