Amidst reports that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent notices of disciplinary council to local apostate favorites John Dehlin and Kate Kelly, the organization announced Thursday morning that “there are a whole lot more where that came from.”
According to Church spokeswoman Ruth Todd, the leadership felt like it was really time to “buckle down on this cancerous dissent, where members increasingly feel like they can hold onto any number of rods, with one hand or two, and decide who gets which powers when.” Todd continued, “It’s simply ludicrous. Only God gets to decide, and then announce, through only [straight] men, that only [straight] men get to have the priesthood. Deal with it.”
The Church will be taking things a step further. In a [kind of] unprecedented move that is sure to draw many more multitudes of people like a Christ-y tractor beam into the waters of baptism, leaders will be sending out symbolic excommunication notices to all kinds of awful people who are dissenting from God’s plan, whether they are aware of it or not.
“Obama wakes up today President of the United States. Well guess what? He’ll have a heck of a time falling asleep tonight, after he’s been symbolically kicked out of God’s fold. President of the Telestial Kingdom more like it,” shrilled Todd.
The list of other symbolically damned recipients included Willem Dafoe, for whom there had previously been a push that he be ordained, whether he liked it or not, by a group called Ordain Willem, an offshoot of the upstart, revelation-hating group Ordain Women. “Imagine,” crooned Todd, “Willem’s surprise when he opens his mail, and whammy! Ex-commed! Have fun on the outside looking in….still!”
Non-Mormons who give zero shits about the Church aren’t the only ones slated to receive the stinging excommunications. Leaders have targeted multiple landmarks and inanimate objects for spiritual annihilation. The Great Salt Lake reportedly will receive the first notice of ecclesiastical rejection, citing “being a huge, worthless body of water, too buoyant to even baptize anybody in, therefore symbolically rejecting people from attempting to join the church.” This will apparently be delivered in the form of an Official Declaration, wadded up and “shoved into the heaviest freaking thing we can find, and tossed into that stupid, useless, filthy lake,” report sources.
Grocery stores who open on Sundays, the Gateway mall, Victoria’s Secret, any phallic rock formations in Utah National Parks, and the Pride parade will also reportedly be receiving symbolic excommunication notices within the week.