In the wake of what has become an epidemic of mass shootings, it has now been widely confirmed that the surfeit of prayers has, at last, fixed America’s gun problem.
“We are happy to announce that we no longer need to worry about disgruntled individuals purchasing an AK-47 for $350, downloading instructions on how to make it automatic, and then going out on an all-out shooting spree,” Pres. Obama said. “The Vatican, Salt Lake City, Billy Graham and Mecca have all confirmed that collective prayers have ensured this will not happen again.”
Utah’s own Rep. Jason Chaffetz took a break from shouting “Benghazi!” to announce on Facebook that he believes his prayer is the one that pushed prayer efficacy to its threshold.
“I kneeled down in prayer this morning; I said “Dear Lord: Benghazi.” Then I prayed for those affected by the recent mass shooting. At that moment, I felt a confirming burning in my bosom — I had sent the final prayer needed to solve this issue. No big deal. It’s the least I could do.”
Chaffetz’ prayer is said to have also turned yesterday’s scare at Pleasant Grove High School from a potential live-shooter event into merely a gun-scare hoax from a drama-mongering teenager.
This is a relief for gun-control fearing Christian right-wingers, whose slacktivist strategy of appealing to The Creator—after the year’s total of mass shootings is more than one per day—has been accused as ineffectual, and permits congresspersons to continue to do nothing about the issue.
“Thank God, seriously. God if you’re listening, thank you,” said Magna resident Steve Clemson, who owns numerous automatic assault rifles. “If you hadn’t intervened, that Obama would have taken away my and every American’s divine right to own these firearms of justice. You know I’m not a wacko who would slaughter innocents because if I was, God would have smitten me at this point, now that prayers are working and all.”
Congresspersons are pleased as well: “After this last mass shooting, I thought ‘great, here we go again, I have to do the whole balancing act of expressing condolences, dodging effective and instead proposing ineffective solutions, and all the while not piss off my friends at the NRA,” Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, said. “But now God has finally stepped up to the plate and I’m off the hook! Thanks, God; you’re awesome. Really appreciate this.”
God could not be reached for comment; however, the All Knowing was rumored to have sent out a “smfh” message to whoever hath ears to hear.