12:07 am
17 August 2017

Mormon Extremists Declare Deseret Caliphate In Oregon

Mormon Extremists Declare Deseret Caliphate In Oregon

Utah natives and Mormon extremists Ammon and Ryan Bundy seized control of the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge visitor’s center on Saturday and wasted no time declaring the building as headquarters of a new Deseret Caliphate.

“We’re here to stay,” said Bundy, donning an awesome hat, “we have buttloads of guns and a year’s supply of canned green beans from our mom. That O’Bummer can’t touch us.”

The Obama Administration has been cautious in dealing with the Caliphate since it’s made of white people. “We never want to rule out the use of force, obviously,” said Sec. of State John Kerry, “but these are whites we’re talking about, so you have to be careful. No ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ like with Arabs and so forth.”

In an official statement entitled, “Another Proclamation To The World,” The Deseret Caliphate declared independence from America and outlined its objectives. The Caliphate will be governed by a religious body and strict adherence to the laws of Mormon doctrine. Among these laws, Caffeine is outlawed, (except for Mountain Dew’s “Baja Blast”), and women are required to cover their shoulders in public.

The proclamation also included a mockup of the new currency “The Paper of Great Price,” which features Mitt Romney on the front and Jon McNaughton’s iconic painting “Obama Eats A Child” on the reverse.

LDS Church spokesman Moroni A R Allred was quick to distance the Mormon church from the Separatists. “It’s unfair to judge a peaceful religion of 15 million by the actions of a few disturbed men.” Everyone accepted this as totally fair.

At press time, the NSA was confident that they had a plan to cripple the Caliphate. “We’ll shut off their access to internet pornography, that should do the trick,” said NSA Director General Keith B. Alexander, “everyone knows internet porn is Mormon kryptonite.”

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