Pres. Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles displayed a chipper tone throughout his imperative remarks at the 183rd Semiannual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

He advised that the “Living Prophet [Pres. Thomas S. Monson]” ought to “live life to the fullest,” which he said may include things such as “brisk hikes in God’s countryside, assisted free-fall skydiving, visiting children at the hospital, and going on that white rollercoaster ride at Lagoon.”

Bemoaning the fact that he is three years older than Pres. Monson and can’t himself attempt swallowing swords aflame, he’d be beside himself if he didn’t persuade his fellow octogenarian to take a few strides toward becoming a high-risk adventure hobbyist.

The second church leader in apostolic succession wasted no effort as he handed a pamphlet with the words, “State Fair Rib-eating contest! Bibs provided!” to the seer and revelator before the session began and minced no words in saying he’d be there chanting, “Come on Tommy, come on Tommy, you can do it! You’ve wanted this ever since you were a boy!”

In a gesture that might double as an appeal to the youth, Pres. Packer took a moment in his address to present a gift to Pres. Monson: a 2012/13 Good Wood Nitro Rook snowboard. He turned to his faith’s leader, and said, “The Rook’s built with a flat camber profile, so it’s easy to press, float, pop, and still hold an edge when you have to dig in. Those edges are also 50 percent thicker than the standard, so they can take hits without cracking. The thinner core profiling between the feet allows for better board feel and flex, and thicker zones outside the feet for ollie and landing power. Another additive for this model is a tip-to-tail slab of fiberglass for added pop. Anyway, thought you might like this.”

Pres. Packer then winked at the prophet and finished his remarks by stating that all the positive attention to the homosexual agenda was pretty gay.