Bassist for garage rock band “Catcher in the Mahonri”

Hi there, I’ve got a wonderful message that I know will improve your life. You Sheeple serve God and Mammon. I know because I was busking outside City Creek Center for a few hours. I had a gig last night, so I didn’t have much energy to stay all day. My heart and soul goes into my tunes. And there you all were, adorned in your Jos. A. Bank wrinkle-free white shirts and pewter ties or your ¾ sleeve kelly green cardigans and ankle-length maroon maxi skirts. Wearing those starch, bland get-ups while perusing aisles looking to replace same. A loud pursuit of greed after your leader had just barely told you to be virtuous.

I may be tethered to tax-dollar reliance with my food stamps, but hey, I’d rather benefit from the system than be a cog in the machine.

With flagrant zeal you enter the Conference Center only to be brainwashed. And for what? Because you insist on clinging to the irrational belief that these men you call your leaders are inspired by God? I’d say God is Dead, but wouldn’t that imply he once lived?

The fact you find fulfillment in this religion, and that you run a successful business does not concern me. You may drive a flashy new car and own a sizeable home, but at what cost? I’d rather live in my squat house knowing my actions and intellect are not fettered by the puppeteer strings of mind-controlling old misogynists.

Enjoy giving your tax-deductible tithing to the corporation – oh, I mean “Church.” Sorry, I sometimes confuse the two. Sure, some small amount of money goes to charity, I guess, but I can’t understand why you’d want to give money to a group that discriminates against gays and women. The money you grudgingly give to the government, on the other hand, helps enable people like me — those you may think don’t have any direction —  to free you from mental bondage!

I only want to help. I’m what some call an activist. I just act on my conscious, is all. Granted, I may become disappointed were my advice actually heeded, as I’d feel empty having nothing with which to take the higher ground on and educate you; since I know you won’t, I’ll continue my duty-led message of proving how brainwashed and mindless you are and put you in check with regard to how the patriarchal, privileged Church is bringing you down. I’ll do this despite your many successes and contentment with the life you claim as happy, but is actually a sad, sad sham indeed.