After a long year of listening to humans discuss minimalism and whether their objects bring them “joy,” a Salt Lake City cat says he’s appalled by the absolute chaos that reigned at his home on Christmas day. Steve, who would only give his first name, recalled how his family had made huge plans to have an “Old-Fashioned” Christmas, including from-scratch deserts and homemade gift giving.

“They are well-intentioned,” said the newest addition to the household. “They adopted me from the Humane Society in November with the idea of having ‘experiences’ instead of ‘things.’”

By mid-December, however, the yarn purchased for knitting mittens and scarfs had become a plaything for the feline, the only household member still on the schedule he had set for himself. “I like to keep my expectations for the holidays low,” Steve explained. “What I saw on the 24th just left me in shock, though.”

In a complete panic, family members had spread out across the city, desperately scouring the shelves for thoughtful, heartfelt gifts. Beard conditioner and adult coloring books topped the finds at the drug store, and the children’s stockings were stuffed with Star Wars socks, underwear and bath bubbles.

“What they lacked in planning, they made up for in volume,” Steve observed. But it was really the last minute panic over recyclable gift wrap that pushed the cat over the edge. “Did they really expect me to stay out of all that ribbon and glossy paper?”