STATE CAPITOL — In the wake of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida where a disturbed gunman killed 17 victims, the debate over guns has once again reignited in a nation afflicted with frequent mass shootings. Amidst the public outcry, Utah lawmakers are put on the spot to come up with solutions to this problem in a state noted for having some of the most lenient gun laws in the country.
“So far, the debate has focused primarily on two solutions — either ban guns or arm teachers with firearms. We believe both of these to be less than satisfactory solutions,” said Senate President Wayne Niederhauser, R-Sandy. “We propose a third option — that every teacher be Chuck Norris.”
Being Chuck Norris, Sen. Niederhauser says, would be an effective remedy for the malady of mass shootings plaguing the Nation’s school systems and putting teachers ill-at-ease. With a deft hand and the nimble, cool-headed skills of the Texas Ranger, they argue, no shooter would stand a chance.
“Most likely, a teacher who is Chuck Norris would be able to sniff out trouble before it happens,” said the lawmaker. “But in the event that there is a live shooter, you can be assured a school full of Chuck Norris’ are going to take care of the problem with expert marksmanship, a good measure of aplomb, and more than likely a quip once the situation has been resolved, maybe something like, ‘you can shoot your guns where you’d like, just not in MY school.’”
The bromidic Chuck Norris facts, proponents of this solution argue, are only testament to the efficacy that a person who has Chuck Norris’ exact corporeal constitution would have in handling themselves well under pressure and having a steady aim when the stakes are high. The result, they say, would be a resolution to the problem of arming teachers who may lack the steely grit of a Total Gym spokesperson.
“We see this as a win-win solution,” Sen. Niederhauser added. “What happened was tragic. Our thoughts and prayers are with those affected by this act of senseless violence. For Utah, we must address this issue in an effective way and not waste time on bad ideas.”
At press time, the Utah Senate moved on to address other equally troubling and devastating societal problems, like porn.
