Dear Heavenly Parents: Please Make It All Stop
Dear Heavenly Parents: are you just hearing, or are you listening? Please make it all stop. As quickly, as miraculously as possible. We asked years ago. What else are we supposed to do? Ask?
Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform Announces He Won’t Run For Reelection in 2018
Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform, the incumbent for Utah’s 3rd Congressional District, shocked the nation when it was announced he won’t run for reelection. The approval rating of Dr. Kathie Allen’s Platform has dropped 21 percent since Trump’s election, particularly after…
Amidst Hateful Quagmire, Class Action Lawsuit Filed Against God
Better lawyer up, All Knowing — it looks like you’re going to court. After a disastrous 2016 which featured the deaths of many beloved celebrities and musicians as well as the election of Donald J. Trump, a class action lawsuit…
Primary Kids Aghast After Gary Johnson’s “What Is A LEGO?” Gaffe
Snotty-nosed Primary-going rapscallions were left aghast after hearing Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson ask “What is a LEGO?” on a recent interview on MSNBC. “It wasn’t even a gotcha question, geeze,” said Brian Schmidt, a uniform-clad proud Webelos Scout. “What…
Bored Mormon Teen Demands Melchizedexit Referendum
What started as a simple tweet from Beck Smoot–whose profile suggests he’s a “fan of CoD, BMX, Twizzlers. Oh, and AJ Styles is greater than Harry Styles duh.”–has swept through various Snapchat Stories in teen Mormon circles. Beck’s simple question…
London Temple Visitor’s Center Announces All-Gender Water Closet
In a move to further distance themselves culturally from the Utah-centric politicization of the LDS Church, the London Temple Visitor’s Center announced plans to open an all-gender water closet to serve those who visit the temple grounds. “The temple is…
Local Nonprofit ‘NonProphet’ Pushes For Wife of Gordon B. Hinckley on $20 Bill
As US Treasury Secretary Jack Lew prepares his announcement that a woman will replace imperialist dolt Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill, a local nonprofit, ‘NonProphet,’ is making a last-minute push for the late Gordon B. Hinckley’s wife to…
LDS Church Endorses Ted Cruz, Citing “Historic Dildo Policy”
SALT LAKE CITY—In a historic move on Friday—not heretofore seen in this dispensation—the LDS church officially endorsed a Presidential candidate. The official statement released by the office of the First Presidency declared Texas Sen. Ted Cruz (R) to be the…
